No Job, No Fucking Way.

Being a SAHM these past several years has taught me a lot of shit.  Like how to handle hostage negotiations and how long past the expiration date you can still drink milk without massive diarrhea.  I’m used to my life.  It’s comfortable, and no one else fits in my couch’s ass impression quite like me.  So you can imagine my dismay and feelings of impending doom now that the little one is approaching school age.  I have a feeling something’s going to eventually be expected of me.  Something sinister……… 

Something job-ish.


I’m not getting too sweaty about it, I mean I think I can pretend that watching Maury in my 
kid-less home is some kind of paid focus group for at least a couple of months before my husband catches on and asks to see some dough… and then, when I’m found out and my gig is up, I’ll just have to come out with it.  I’ll just look him in the eye and say,
“I can’t fucking get a job.”


Don’t bother me, I’m working.

Of course you know he’s gonna wanna know why, and that’s why, I got that shit covered.  See I’ve been thinking about this a lot, mostly when I’m drunk, but even so, I’m certain my reasoning is legit and my rebuttals — tight.  I’ve explored lots of different entry level career paths too.   I mean, I  have a college degree but it’s in fucking ART, so to employers, it carries as much clout as a piece of shit stained toilet paper.  That being said, I’ll share with you the reasons I simply CANNOT work some jobs just in case you need to use them with your man too.

Food Server — AKA Waitress.  You might be thinking, why can’t you do this job? After all, you’re a MOM!  You should be used to serving people!  Well, you’re fucking wrong.  I’m used to serving KIDS.   Yeah, I’ll bring you your meat, and then I’ll probably hover over your ass and cut it in to a million tiny fucking pieces.  Then I’ll bring you string beans instead of the bacon you ordered and try to convince you they’re just ‘green french fries’.   If you actually end up staying there’s no way in hell I’m bringing you dessert without finishing those green fries and god help you if you talk too much instead of eating.  Off the fucking table you go so….. yeah…. I guess that whole option’s out.


Hey! Guess what!?

Cashier.  First of all, you ‘aint getting your change back from me unless you can identify every coin properly and give me at least three different combinations on how else $1.73 can be made.  If that’s not enough to tell my manager about, I’ll also probably lecture you about the importance of saving money and offer you a chance to earn $1.00 by cleaning my toilet.  Oh, and I’ll most likely slip one of your dollars in my pocket out of habit because I’m just used to thinking 
a) you’ll never notice and 
b) what the fuck do you have to buy anyway?

 
Ok, so four quarters is the same as…….

Clothing Store Salesperson.   Obviously I will become irate and curse you for making my folded piles messy, chasing you with a fashionable belt out of the store.  And if somehow I manage to bite my tongue with that shit, I’m definitely barging in to your dressing room to make sure you don’t need help buttoning your pants.  There’s no way I’ll let you buy anything but sweaters and hats in the winter and I don’t give a fuck if you’re 45 lady, that shirt is cut waaay too fucking low! “You aren’t leaving this store with that on!!!”


HAI, ME AGAIN!!  Just hold your sleeves and I’ll help you get that sweater on….

And so, There’s really not much else I’m too qualified for…..  although I did see this animal trainer position advertised on Craig’s List the other day.  I guess I can check that out although unless it’s for the fucking circus, I’ll probably just be overqualified.


Now THAT I can DO!

6 thoughts on “No Job, No Fucking Way.

  1. I fucking love you we’re going thru this right now and well I’ve been a sahm for the last 11 years working is not a word I like at all besides my youngin is only 2(the youngest) so we aren’t nearly ready for school and this daycare is not in the budget either so work is out at least until the husband starts making more money and then what would be the point of me getting a job anyways? Lmao

  2. We honestly don’t see the point in me going back to work when my youngest starts school next year because there is still winter break, spring break, summer break, random teacher inservice days, etc, that I would still need daycare for. Can’t start working until the oldest is able to watch the other two.

  3. I wonder if you realize how many of us you speak for–and so well. I’m in the same boat right now. I remember thinking, “Aw, I’ve got all the time in the world.” But after summer vacation–less than 3 months–the youngest has to become one of those worker drones–I mean students–too. Here I’ve been feeling like a damned housebound hostage all these years because, let’s face it–you can’t take these little tyrants anywhere out in public, at the same time, God forbid, unless you’re completely masochistic. It will definitely be culture shock when I return to the PAID workforce. You know what scares me the most? The shit I’m gonna have to deal with when I get home from the nine-to-fiver. Like I don’t spend most of the day cleaning up after them anyway. Then again, just getting out and away from the house and getting paid for it doesn’t sound completely terrible. I know I’m going to look back one day and miss these times, and all the chances I had to play with them but was too busy worrying about how messy the house was or stupid crap like that. I already miss these times. They seem like an eternity when you’re in the midst of them, but in hindsight, they went by in the blink of an eye. Do take a break when the youngest starts school, if you can afford a month or two, just to get real with your identity again and start getting into a good groove. If finances allow, I’m certainly going to. Otherwise, I’ll end up doing all the things you mentioned above. Hey, the circus thing sounds fun, though. Can’t be any harder than raising kids.

  4. Omg, YOUR post in response to this was like reading my own…I guess it feels good knowing we aren’t alone in the way we feel. Thanks for reminding me of that & that it’s OK. Because it certainly has been a life changing role that only a SAHM can truly understand.

  5. This is TOO hilarious. I told my husband I really want to focus on getting published once the kids are in school (I have three more years). I am so damn lucky he falls for that shit, I mean, supports me. Other than that, I have a music degree and play for a local orchestra once per month. At least it’s something??

  6. Too funny! I feel in this boat that I need to get back to work :/ I stayed out over a yr after having my 1st and due to financial situations I had to go back. Now I really don’t want to I just had my 2nd in August n my 1st will be 3 in Dec

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