If you’re like me, you probably frequent the same couple of playgrounds with your kids on a regular basis. They’re usually either close to your house, or your kids school. Maybe you like the equipment because it’s perfectly age appropriate so there’s no need to get off your ass and follow your kid around, repeatedly smacking your head on a multitude of metal bars as you chase the bugger. Maybe it’s shady in the summer and sunny in the fall. Maybe it’s got a bathroom tucked away in it’s little playground appendix with a water fountain that’s makes for awesome water balloons. Maybe you just like the fucking playground’s name. Who cares, the point is you go there, and you go there a lot.
Are you the “Norm” of your playground?
As playgrounds go, this one is considered “yours”. So much so, it’s like you’re in an episode of fucking Cheers when you arrive. You are a regular, and everyone knows your name. This can be cool at times.… I mean, there’s always someone who knows your kid, and can tell you to stop playing goddamn Angry Birds already ’cause your kid went ahead and smacked another by the monkey bars and it’s time to fucking regulate. Or you’re busy filling up a water balloon and someone walks over to tell you a pigeon is eating all your goldfish right out of the stroller. This is good. But then, there are times when maybe you want to go to the playground unnoticed. Maybe you DON’T want bitches up in your business… but where else you gonna go?? THAT’S where the playground disguise comes in….
Below are the Top Three Reasons you may want to go “unnoticed” to the playground…
1. Hi, My name is Go Fuck Yourself and I’m a Go Fuck Yourself: Being hungover is never fun. And it’s even less fun when you have bitches up in your grill asking you if you feel okay. “NO, I don’t, matter’fact, 5 minutes before I had to drag my ass here in the first place, I was hugging the toilet. God save you if you get close enough to smell my breath.”
INSERT PLAYGROUND DISGUISE… Just show up incognito and hang your head shamelessly at the corner bench. If a Groucho Marks eyeglass and mustache set doesn’t fool these moms, it’ll put them off and THAT’S exactly what you want. Mission accomplished.
I’ll hold my OWN hair, fuck you very much.
2. Hi my name is… yeah, I could care less, go fuck yourself: Awww damn. There she goes again. The bitch that thinks you care. You don’t like her, you don’t like her kid, yet she is constantly harassing you for a fucking PLAYDATE. Why? What did you do to deserve this asshole’s attention. You haven’t set any bums on fire and you never once said wassup to her, yet she’s convinced your kids LOVE each other. Every time you run in to this bitch, she’s adamant about some playmate, somefucking where… you really don’t know ’cause you just tune her ass out within the first 5 seconds. INSERT PLAYGROUND DISGUISE… she may recognize your kid but a smirk creeps across your face as you see her little nosey eyes scan the whole playground passing right over your ass ‘cause you are officially unrecognizable. Word. Mission accomplished. Thank you playground disguise.
Listen, you’re psychotic… leave me the fuck alone.
3.Hide and go fuck yourself: “playwithmeplaywithmeplaywithme!!!” Sound familiar? Of course it does. You hear it all day, all night. All you do is fucking PLAY PLAY PLAY all day long, which is sad ’cause you’d think if that’s the case, why aren’t you having any goddamn FUN?? I’ll tell you why, because kid fun is waaaay fucking different the adult fun. For one thing, there’s no booze involved. For another, no sex. Need I say anymore?? Listen, just sit back as regular old mom and it’ll happen. “Play with me!!” your child will whine in about 5 minutes past arrival. (As if you haven’t been playing their lame games since BIRTH.) Tell me, why the fuck did I bring your ass to the playground if you want to play with ME?? We could’ve stayed home for this shit!
No worries, just recommend Hide and Go Seek and the second they start counting INSERT PLAYGROUND DISGUISE… Need I fill in the blanks here? I fucking hope not. Yeah, you got it, put your wig on and RELAX. No hiding, no dirty pants, no looking like an ass kneeling behind the sprinklers. It’ll take them HOURS if not until it’s time for dinner before they figure out you’re YOU if at all. If not, take off the disguise at dinner time, and not only are you off, your THE MOST AWESOME HIDER EVER!! Double win; mission accomplished.
ok start counting…..
And there you have it. If ya didn’t know, now you do..
Here’s MY PLAYGROUND DISGUISE but SHHHHH don’t fucking tell a soul!