Monthly Archives: January 2012

What was that you said ’bout my goddamn Gingerbread?

So I was redecorating this house last night, and by “redecorating” I mean eating… 

and by “house” I mean gingerbread house.


Anyway,  I’m standing there, hunched over the kitchen in a “Lester the Molester” kind of way, prying Sprees out of dried up white icing glue with my nails and flipping them in to my mouth like a gangster might flip a nickel wearing a bowler hat in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. 

Got that fucking visual?  

Good.  

So as I look down at this newly decimated gingerbread abode,  I think to myself:

“This is SO fucking WRONG.”


yeah,  flipping sprees like that see, like that right in my mouth see…

Nooo, it’s not wrong that I’m eating Sprees at 11:30pm, or that I’m watching a taped episode of “The Millionaire Matchmaker” in the other room, or that I’m wearing my husbands underwear…. (don’t fucking ask).  

Of all the shit that may seem ‘off’ to a normal person, the thing that I’m thinking is fucking wrong here is: 

“What business do I have eating this Christmas treat in the middle of Janurary???” 

“How. Dare. I.?” 

Think I’m crazy?  Not so Cheerio. 

Well… maybe a little, but hear me out, 
YOU may be affected too….

Why?  Why is it that I feel certain foods should only be eaten at certain times of the year?  It’s a fucking Gingerbread house in January and I’m feeling like I’m wearing a goddamn white pants suit after Labor Day (which is also stupid to be wrong, btw).  

Then I suddenly get it….. I’m thinking it’s probably some fucked up Hallmark Jedi Mind Trick, subconsciously telling me how to feel and not feel, what to eat or not eat and who to kiss or not kiss on certain days/months/seasons/whateverthefucks.
 
Some sneaky, sinister, marketing plot to have Americans not just buy seasonal shit but fucking fight over the last of the Cadbury Cream Eggs on Easter, or the plasticy Jack-o-Lantern cheap fucking Trick’or’Treat buckets on Halloween… 

And we all seem to fall for that shit…. now don’t we?


Why do I fucking LOVE these DISGUSTING things???

I don’t really know how to react to being jedi/mindfucked.  

I mean, it doesn’t usually happen to me….. 

Do I protest it?  

How do I protest it?  

Should I shove Valentines in to stockings on Halloween?  
Hide turkeys under trees on Veteran’s Day?  
Maybe I should just hold a fucking Jack-O-Lantern over my head and randomly make-out with people on Father’s Day….
(hmmm that’s a good idea actually…)  

Orrrr should I go to the other extreme and just boycott all the holidays altogether?  

Fuck you Easter Bunny!  
Fuck you Santa!  
Fuck you Tooth Fairy!  

And by “Fuck you” I mean “Fuck me”, ’cause I’m all those bastards after all.. (another good idea…) 

I just don’t know how to react…


Merry Chanukah Mother Fuckers!!  Now Trick or Make Out With Meeeee!

So I thought about all this shit as I hunched there, at 11:30, in the kitchen, me and my crumby chin, and I decided this whole contemplation is one big piece of shit.  

And in just that moment, I realized that I had just solved the whole damn big piece of shit thing!  
In questioning the Gingerbread/January dilemma, 
I, in fact, answered it.  

One cannot be Hallmark/Jedi marketed/mindfucked if one is, in fact AWARE of it.  

AHA FUCKERSSSS!! 

Suddenly, I felt like that GI Joe dude who comes out at the end and says “And knowing is half the battle!”  
My battle is more then half over, it’s fucking won, 
and I’m the goddamn Colonel.  


Knowing is half the battle!  And now, I must slay a crocodile….

I am aware that you, Gingerbread House, are a treat savored only on Christmas, but guess what? 
There’s no law that says I cannot eat you now.  

Look at me sideways if you will nay-sayers! 
You are merely a DUPE of the beast that is Hallmark and I shall shun you vigorously!!!  

I aim to not only EAT you Ginger Bread House
but I shall enjoy you
and let you consume me with your spicy aromas.  

I shall take glory in all your candy stickiness!  

HAHA!  

Each bite I take will in turn take a bite straight from the conformists grip that clenches the throats of 
all Americans until, the whole world sees the TRUTH and casts off their presumptuous notions regarding the mastication 
of Gingerbread Houses in January!!!!!!!


EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh shit…. I think I went a little Gary Busey on myself….

Ok, I think I need to sit down…no more Diet Coke before bed… or Spree…  

This fucking house is stale, and I need a napkin for my chin.

CRACK for KIDS

Let’s face it, little kids are some cranky ass motherfuckers.  I know, I know, they’re growing, feeling shit out, testing boundaries, figuring out where they fit in in this crazy world — and I’m cool with that.  That’s the way it should be, but it still doesn’t change the fact that they’re some cranky ass motherfuckers.


It can get really discouraging too.  Thank god they’re irresistibly cute at the toddler age, with their little faces and funny Mickey Mouse voices, because their huge attitudes can make them pretty goddamn hard to love.  Their smiles during these “terrible” years are few and far between and when smiles do happen, many times it’s for a shitty selfish reason like getting a gift or some candy or a fucking TV show.  Being positive during this period of parenthood is a struggle to say the least and it’s easy to… how do you say…… LOSE YOUR FUCKING SHIT.  But don’t grab the whiskey just yet…. fuck it, go ahead and grab the whiskey, and listen the fuck up.  I’m here to help your ass out.

Everybody has their own version of crack.  Something you get excited just thinking about. Something that can make a rainy day A.fucking.O.K.  It doesn’t have to be just one thing either. It can be a few things, or even a combination of things.  Shopping, booze, being on-line, being with your vibrator, shopping drunk on-line for vibrators…..Whatever the hell it is that gets you going there’s one thing for all of us that remains the same, you want to do it again, and again and again.

Well, guess what?  Toddlers have their own crack too.  I know what you’re thinking… “Duh bitch, it’s called TV, candy, and anything motherfucking Dora.” Well, yes, this IS true, but I’m going to, if not share with you, then remind you of the top three 
Crack For Toddler Techniques that will not only give YOU something to feel good about but will have your little one shouting AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN!”

1. AIRPLANE – You know it, they LOVE it and motherfucking smiles abound.  If you don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, let me explain.  It’s when you lay on your back with your knees bent and your man comes along and grabs your thighs…… oh, uh, sorry, my bad…. where was IOH ok, yeah Airplane.   It’s the act of putting your feet on your kids chest or body while laying on your back and then lifting them by extending your legs straight up in the air.  Sound scary?  It is.  That’s why they fucking love it.  You can reach up and hold their hands, but with enough practice they’ll soon perfect the art of stretching their arms out in front of them and thus assuming The Superman position that the game is so fondly named for.   The only other thing besides itty bitty giggles you’ll hear is the word “AGAIN!! AGAIN!! AGAIN!!” and so, 
a double win… (the other being a bit of core strengthening for your fucking  lazy ass too.)  

Below is the wuss version of The Airplane game.  Instead of your shins, the kid would be on your feet straight up in the air…. I’ll let her get away with it based on the fact she’s trying to show you some fool assed exercise.



2. TICKLE TORTURE – Do I even need to say a word here?  This is also what I call “The Lazy Mom’s Game” because even though you have to lift not one ass cheek from the bed, it still brings your child that cracked out intense motherfucking JOY that otherwise remains, for the most part, fleeting.  In fact, the bed is the most recommended place to play this game due to the fact that it includes little bodies jerking around with arms and legs flailing uncontrollably. This fucking game has definitely bought me many extra minutes to stay in bed on weekend mornings, another reason I love it so!!  But back to the joy part.  This tickle induced joy is something pretty goddamn special.  I can say with confidence that tickle laughs are more contagious then fucking head lice.  Soon enough you’ll be chuckling too, and as you grab one little foot to tickle, artfully dodging the other that is so desperately trying to kick your face (nice fucking try kiddo), the inevitable happens and your kid starts either drooling, or farting, or both.  All at once, your chuckling turns in to guttural gawfaws and then smelling the fart brings to light the pinnacle of all laughs the red faced silent spaz.  You’re laughing so hard you’re weak ass bladder is about to explode and then… they fart again.  I’m literally smiling as I type this because even the memory of the last time I played “The Tickle Torture Game” brings me joy…. and the urge to piss.  This game is like high grade crack for kids.  Like the pure, uncut shit.  They’ll be fucking CRYING, BEGGING and PLEADING for you to stop, and then, when you do….?  “AGAIN!! AGAIN!! AGAIN!!!!”  See how that shit works?  CRACK.

I personally like to play this game until they’re crying… like crying, crying.


3. HELICOPTER – Don’t ask me why two of the three are named after aircrafts.  I’m sure it’s because, like all humans, there’s this desirability to fucking FLY.  Or in
other words,  to be HIGH.  This is particularly true for toddlers because although they’ve never been wasted they know what fun feels like and are gonna go for that shit even at the risk of breaking their fucking heads open.  Sounds like me, and Mr. Jameson on a goddamn Saturday night, but that’s another blog….  Anyhoo, back to “Helicopter”.  Unlike the Tickle Torture Game, Helicopter is best played in a wide open space, preferably outdoors.  A wide girth is needed otherwise you risk smashing your child in to a wall or piece of furniture albeit destroying any and all potential fun from happening.  This is a pretty easy game.  Just grab two limbs of your child.  It can be both arms, both legs or even one of each and then, proceed to spin.  The more momentum you gain in your spinning, the more your child will slowly begin to lift up in to the air, and therefore, resembling a Helicopter propellor.  Be sure to halt all spinning before you get too dizzy.  Falling while trying to spin your child in circles may look fucking hilarious to others, and it might even land you a cameo on a Funny Home Video show but for you… matching bloody noses for mommy and child… not cute.  It IS hilarious however, once you stop, watching your child stumble around in a drunken dizziness, not being able to take more then two steps without falling on their ass.  And when they gather themselves up enough to finally pass a fucking field sobriety test…? 
“AGAIN!! AGAIN!! AGAIN!!”  And there you have it. CRACK.

It’s like a human fucking centrifuge… See below, the face of child crack.

And there you have it folks,  so take a break from your vibrator and share the crack, your kids will love you for it!
Who says Crack is Wack?