So I was redecorating this house last night, and by “redecorating” I mean eating…
and by “house” I mean gingerbread house.
Anyway, I’m standing there, hunched over the kitchen in a “Lester the Molester” kind of way, prying Sprees out of dried up white icing glue with my nails and flipping them in to my mouth like a gangster might flip a nickel wearing a bowler hat in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
Got that fucking visual?
So as I look down at this newly decimated gingerbread abode, I think to myself:
“This is SO fucking WRONG.”
yeah, flipping sprees like that see, like that right in my mouth see…
Nooo, it’s not wrong that I’m eating Sprees at 11:30pm, or that I’m watching a taped episode of “The Millionaire Matchmaker” in the other room, or that I’m wearing my husbands underwear…. (don’t fucking ask).
Of all the shit that may seem ‘off’ to a normal person, the thing that I’m thinking is fucking wrong here is:
“What business do I have eating this Christmas treat in the middle of Janurary???”
“How. Dare. I.?”
Think I’m crazy? Not so Cheerio.
Well… maybe a little, but hear me out,
YOU may be affected too….
Why? Why is it that I feel certain foods should only be eaten at certain times of the year? It’s a fucking Gingerbread house in January and I’m feeling like I’m wearing a goddamn white pants suit after Labor Day (which is also stupid to be wrong, btw).
Then I suddenly get it….. I’m thinking it’s probably some fucked up Hallmark Jedi Mind Trick, subconsciously telling me how to feel and not feel, what to eat or not eat and who to kiss or not kiss on certain days/months/seasons/whateverthefucks.
Some sneaky, sinister, marketing plot to have Americans not just buy seasonal shit but fucking fight over the last of the Cadbury Cream Eggs on Easter, or the plasticy Jack-o-Lantern cheap fucking Trick’or’Treat buckets on Halloween…
And we all seem to fall for that shit…. now don’t we?
Why do I fucking LOVE these DISGUSTING things???
I don’t really know how to react to being jedi/mindfucked.
I mean, it doesn’t usually happen to me…..
Do I protest it?
How do I protest it?
Should I shove Valentines in to stockings on Halloween?
Hide turkeys under trees on Veteran’s Day?
Maybe I should just hold a fucking Jack-O-Lantern over my head and randomly make-out with people on Father’s Day….
(hmmm that’s a good idea actually…)
Orrrr should I go to the other extreme and just boycott all the holidays altogether?
Fuck you Easter Bunny!
Fuck you Santa!
Fuck you Tooth Fairy!
And by “Fuck you” I mean “Fuck me”, ’cause I’m all those bastards after all.. (another good idea…)
I just don’t know how to react…
Merry Chanukah Mother Fuckers!! Now Trick or Make Out With Meeeee!
So I thought about all this shit as I hunched there, at 11:30, in the kitchen, me and my crumby chin, and I decided this whole contemplation is one big piece of shit.
And in just that moment, I realized that I had just solved the whole damn big piece of shit thing!
In questioning the Gingerbread/January dilemma,
I, in fact, answered it.
One cannot be Hallmark/Jedi marketed/mindfucked if one is, in fact AWARE of it.
Suddenly, I felt like that GI Joe dude who comes out at the end and says “And knowing is half the battle!”
My battle is more then half over, it’s fucking won,
and I’m the goddamn Colonel.
Knowing is half the battle! And now, I must slay a crocodile….
I am aware that you, Gingerbread House, are a treat savored only on Christmas, but guess what?
There’s no law that says I cannot eat you now.
Look at me sideways if you will nay-sayers!
You are merely a DUPE of the beast that is Hallmark and I shall shun you vigorously!!!
I aim to not only EAT you Ginger Bread House,
but I shall enjoy you,
and let you consume me with your spicy aromas.
I shall take glory in all your candy stickiness!
Each bite I take will in turn take a bite straight from the conformists grip that clenches the throats of
all Americans until, the whole world sees the TRUTH and casts off their presumptuous notions regarding the mastication
of Gingerbread Houses in January!!!!!!!
Oh shit…. I think I went a little Gary Busey on myself….
Ok, I think I need to sit down…no more Diet Coke before bed… or Spree…
This fucking house is stale, and I need a napkin for my chin.