I am visiting my family in South America. The apartment I am in is huge, but three kids fill it up with ease. Their Lego games would make Shakespeare blush. Everyone betrays everyone, no one survives, and there are even little Lego beheadings here and there. This happens while their mom is away.
She returns to complete chaos. There are pencils right behind the bedroom door (boobytrap I presume), the dog has eaten through the throw pillows that have been thrown on the floor, and the little one DEMANDS that she change the batteries on his Wii remote. She, is covered in sweat, clutching six bags, and her cell phone is ringing.
At this point I would just lay down, soil myself, and start crying. She, instead, grows arms like an octopus, and pulls the most amazing Matrix style multitasking slo-mo move I have ever seen.
The bags are put down on their proper surfaces simultaneously, the Wii remote is swung towards the battery drawer where Tommy can look over the edge and replace them himself, the penciled door trap is swept away with one foot, and the broom appears lodged under her arm to sweep the stuffing from the deceased pillow. All while answering her cell phone. Oh and her hair was down and it was humid. She was incredible.
I watched this remarkable orchestration from a supple leather couch, frustrated and frozen by a slow internet connection, and wondering why my email would simply not refresh. The horror. I felt pretty much useless. I imagined a boot camp for moms, where they do baby pull ups while dropping the cereal boxes into a moving cart. Yoga classes right to soccer pickup, right to taking five screaming girls to the movies without going deaf. An obstacle course of horrendous splatters, vomit, baby carrot pick-up in oncoming traffic, bottomless toddlers running towards balconies, and at the end of it you have to sit with a child for an hour because they simply don’t like the chicken you made for them today.
I looked down at my penis – whom I seldom ever engage in direct conversation – and said, “nap time, my friend, let’s rest… life is good.”